Home groups, small groups, connect groups, hubs...whatever you want to call them, midweek church gatherings come in all shapes and sizes, but tend to have more than a few things in common. The people, for example. Here are seven people you're likely to find in any small group.

The Needy One

There's always one over-sharer. The Needy One turns up early every week without fail, and manages to shoehorn a detailed story from their personal life into every discussion, regardless of the context. Keep them away from new people if you don't want to hear about their upbringing. Again.

Most likely to say: "This reminds me of the time I..."

The Absent One

This elusive fellow signed up at the beginning of term, but is yet to turn up to a single meeting or respond to your overly-enthusiastic pastoral emails. You're starting to doubt he even exists.

Most likely to say: Literally nothing.

The Overly-Enthusiastic Pray-er

While everyone else is surreptitiously checking their watches or doing the universal end of prayer shuffle, The Overly-Enthusiastic Pray-er remains lamenting the lost souls of somewhere-or-other and listing all ten of the group's individual prayer requests at great length. You have often considered signing them up for some kind of memory-based gameshow, but they don't watch TV. Too busy praying.

Most likely to say: "Oh, daddy God. We come before you today..."

The One with the Complicated Dietary Requirements

No wheat, no gluten, no eggs, no dairy, no nuts, no soy, no shellfish and no peas (she doesn't like those). You've taken to jokingly suggesting that she brings her own food, but your shrill laughter betrays the fact that you are not actually joking at all.

Most likely to say: "Oh I can't have basil, sorry."

The Silent One

Like The Absent One, only this guy turns up most weeks. The Silent One is yet to contribute to a discussion or offer any thoughts on anything, but when pushed, will make a prayer request. It's always the same – he's got a big meeting tomorrow.

Most likely to say: "..."

The Smug Marrieds

This couple met while on the prayer team at Soul Survivor. They bring homemade pies they made on date night and like to finish each other's sentences. They refuse to separate into different prayer groups because they "don't have any secrets" and you suspect they are considering a joint Facebook account.

Most likely to say: "This one time, in marriage prep..."

The One who Wishes They Were Leading

This guy relishes any opportunity to share his vast and impressive knowledge on all the subjects. Prone to turning a simple point into a 20-minute sermon, he listens to Tim Keller at the gym and has at least three Bible apps on his phone. One of them is in Hebrew.

Most likely to say: "I think you'll find in the orginal Greek this means..."

The One who Thinks They are a Biblical Expert

Often sitting next to The One who Wishes They Were Leading, this guy likes to make complex and possibly heretical points while everyone looks at the floor and hopes he stops speaking soon. You notice the leaders desperately trying to process his reasoning and work out if he needs a 'pastoral chat'.

Most likely to say: "When Paul says he's in prison, I think it's probably metaphorical..."