The Rev Andrew Gardiner had been in local church ministry for 23 years, until he was diagnosed with bowel cancer late last year. In the midst of deep pain, his suffering has provoked a surge of creativity. Gardiner spoke with Christian Today about facing cancer, wrestling with identity, and finding hope in the darkness.

This time last year Andrew Gardiner says he felt like the fittest 57-year-old around. He played football, ran for miles every day, and delighted in his role as the lead pastor of Hope Baptist Church in Plymouth. In May 2016, Gardiner was diagnosed with bowel cancer. Last week Gardiner began his third round of treatment, in another attempt to combat the cancer that has now spread to his liver.

"This is where you have to live with your own Bible teaching." says Gardiner. He had always told those that he would pastor: "When the crisis comes...you have a choice. You can run to God, or you can run away from God. I always say, 'Guess what I recommend?'

"Now I've got to live with my own preaching."

The valley of trial

The crisis has been a deep, painful journey for Gardiner. "You struggle. You ask 'What on earth is going on? How can this be?" he says. Nonetheless, though Gardiner's faith has been tested, he insists his trust in God has not been shaken.

"I became a Christian when I was 16. I've found God to be faithful and with me and at work in all these years. It would be spiritual suicide to give up now."

Andrew shared how his faith has actually grown through his struggle.

"We live our faith within the circumstances of our lives. You find a depth, something new and deeper, something more real and relevant than you've ever had before. In all the ways that I've had to trust God, that all pales in comparison to now.

"This is where the rubber hits the road. This is where faith really works out. It's not the mountain top experiences, the depth of our faith is really shown in the valley of trial and trouble. I'm far from perfect. I've had real times of sorrow and disappointment. I have struggled with it. What is happening?"

It is not the cancer itself, but the treatment, that has caused Andrew the most pain. His treatment has involved the administering of poison to his body, which made him severely ill. After facing radio-therapy followed by chemotherapy, and several visits to Accident and Emergency, Andrew found himself lying on a hospital bed last Sptember, in the "unnerving" environment of an oncology ward. It was then, amid his pain, that Andrew had a profound experience.

"I just felt these words come to me...I just began to type these words that seemed to me like a song."

That midnight moment began a non-stop surge of creativity in Andrew's life. Andrew had not written songs since his early twenties, now he has written 22 songs, and 12 chapters of a book about his experiences. His book, titled The Tunnel, was inspired by an image of a tunnel where "the light disappears behind you, and you can't see light at other end of tunnel." What he calls "The book I never wanted to write" is a reflection on life and hope in that darkness.

Rising Hope

Gardiner has begun a ministry called Rising Hope, what he describes as a "vehicle" to allow his pain and creativity to serve others, particularly other ministers who have had their lives pulled apart by cancer.

"True Identity" is the title of Rising Hope's first single, now available to purchase on iTunes, with a video, starring Andrew's daughter, that can be watched below. He says he was particularly inspired by the psalmists and King David, who "turned his anger, mourning, frustration into songs".

The question of identity was one that struck Gardiner deeply. When he was pulled out of his job because of his illness, he was forced to ask: "What am I now I'm not a minister?"

He said: "I felt like I'd been mugged, everything had gone. When that 50-hour week job is taken away, who are you now?"

Gardiner wants to inspire the life of the church with the profound message about what it means to find one's identity in Christ.

He has received numerous responses from those who have thanked him for the words he has shared.

"I would cry if I tried to tell you about them. In the middle of the horrible darkness, to have helped somebody...God is still at work, I can see that. I'm not abandoned. God is still faithfully ministering through me, just not in a way that I would ever have chosen."

Andrew says that he and his family have most clearly seen God's faithfulness through the support of the local church he once pastored.

"We've discovered our church is just the greatest church in Christendom. They have been fantastic. When the minister who serves the church becomes the one in need, that's when you find out what kind of church you belong to. My house looks like a florist."

Andrew has found much grace in his suffering, though he is clear that "I don't want to be where I am." He has found solace in the words of 2 Corinthians 4. "I've been hanging onto that. You don't always feel those verses. Sometimes it feels like you are being crushed and destroyed. I say them in faith."

He is currently undergoing his third course of treatment, now focussing on the multiple smaller cancers that have spread to his liver. He continues with his creativity, and plans to release more songs, and find a publisher for his book, soon.

Andrew closes with this word of encouragement: "God is good, God is loving, God is faithful. Cancer is horrible, it's devastating, destructive, robbed me of everything...There are times when I really struggle with it. That does not take us away from the faithfulness of God, even in dark times."