(with apologies to CS Lewis)...

My dear Diabolos,

Good job! I see you have been learning from your earlier mistakes and are actually using our Father's carefully selected subtleties. It's good that you have been following the diabolic rules when dealing with these loathsome creatures who actually believe what Jesus said.

Rule 1. Don't start with ridiculous concepts such as truth and facts. Start with impression and emotion. Begin with discrediting your opponent by calling them arrogant and confrontational. This always works. You win both ways. If they keep silent they appear to agree with you. If they answer they appear arrogant and confrontational. They are damned if they do, damned if they don't. We love damnation!

Rule 2. Always play the Judgemental Card. This is embarrassingly easy. We love the fact that we have created an army of agents who manage to persuade people that judging is such a terrible sin, and then spend the whole time doing so – without offering any remedy! Everything is in their opinion...which suits us fine.

Always portray those who don't believe the Bible as gentle and gracious, just like Jesus. Again it doesn't really matter whether this is true or not, or whether everyone believes what you say, but some will. And so you continue to create the impression that on the one hand there is the loving, gentle, kind, tolerant accepting liberal and on the other there is the nasty, certain fundamentalist. By the way, what a wonderful coup that we have managed to claim the name 'liberal' for those who hate the true liberality of our Enemy! You see how easy it is to change and use language with those who foolishly think words only mean what they want them to!

Rule 3. Always play the uncertainty card. Portray yourself as uncertain and seeking, with a wistful look back to your 'childish' days when you were certain, and your opponent as an arrogant know it all who thinks that they know the will of God. This is a brilliant strategy because it allows you to appear humble while at the same time believing whatever you want to believe and rejecting whatever you don't like. Remember your aim is to create a narrative, an impression and so make sure you don't actually encourage people to think. Otherwise they might work out that your certainty about uncertainty is self-contradictory.

Rule 4. Always sound spiritual. Cite some proverb or saying which sounds profound and meaningful. It doesn't matter that it is nonsense, it just makes people feel good and allows them to indulge whatever their particular thought of the moment is, without having to worry about whether it is true or not.

Rule 5. Don't under any circumstances allow questioning. This is of course tied in with preventing people actually thinking. Hopefully your charge of arrogance because they claim to know the revealed will of God, will be enough to stop them asking questions. What if God has revealed himself in the Bible? What if the person who is teaching the Bible as the revealed will of God is in fact being humble, not teaching their own opinions but His? Don't let these kinds of questions be asked because then you have lost.

Rule 6. Talk often about how progressive you are. Speak movingly about your 'journey'. This both makes you appear humble and modern, while your opponent is stuck and immobile. We always love seeing people slide into hell while thinking they are advancing into Nirvana.

Rule 7. Play the Jesus Card. The knife is better stuck in with a smile, rather than a snarl. Remember you are trying to win others over to our side. After you have laid down the foundations of how humble, gracious, progressive, uncertain you are, move on to calling your opponent names. Mud sticks. Especially when the logic of the enemy has been removed from the mind.

Don't forget to play the Jesus card. This is my personal favourite. Imply that your opponent is 'not like Jesus'. This manages to impress both Christian and non-Christian and sometimes has the advantage of making your opponent doubt themselves. Tell them they are Pharisees (without of course allowing them to think that it was the Pharisees who denied the Word of God, mocked the person of Christ and ended up being responsible for crucifying him – a mistake Our Father now regrets having made). Be careful here. Make sure you accuse your opponent of not being 'Christlike' (which in this culture usually means 'nice' – and since you have already established that your opponent is not nice – you are on to a winner!) before you then go on to talking about your version of Jesus. The nice personal, inclusive, do whatever you want, mystified and mystical Jesus.

We love getting people to believe in a Jesus who doesn't exist. He can do us no harm, and he can do them no good.

Rule 8. Make sure they never, ever understand the cross. That shouldn't be difficult. After all Our Father of Lies didn't understand what was happening until it was too late. The whole of the 'good news' about our Enemy Jesus does centre around a correct understanding and expression of what God did in Jesus on the cross.

Rule 9. Always quote Scripture. This should perhaps be nearer the top of the list. Our Father of Lies used it as his number one weapon in his tempting of the Enemy. I love that our agents within the Church deny that the Bible is the Word of God and then quote the bits they like as though they were. It certainly confuses the enemy's troops. You know the nice stories about the Samaritan who 'broke the rules and kept the commandment to love'. It allows them to use all their favourite buzz words about inclusion, caring for others etc without ever getting to the real heart of the matter – that humans are lost and incapable of truly caring for others without a radical heart change. Our liberal friends think that they can care for others fine without Jesus. He is in their eyes, only a fine example of what they already believe themselves to be!

Rule 10. Always denigrate Doctrine. At least true, biblical doctrine. It is appalling. It tells them about Our Enemy. That is the very last thing we want them to know about. So come up with lines like 'for the hard-line fundamentalist, doctrine is everything'. Never let them see that everything they believe is in some way a doctrine. Do you not see how delicious it is that they believe our doctrines and call themselves 'freethinkers' and despise Our Enemies doctrines – the very truths that would set them free?

Although you have had some set backs, we are delighted at the havoc you are wrecking in the Western Church. It is beyond delicious to see that our Father of Lies original trick ('did God really say?') Is still as potent as ever. Will these loathsome creatures never learn?! Keep up the good work,

Yours in the Service of our Master,

Pseudos.