In recent years, surveys show that we are becoming much more divided over politics, with real animosity felt towards the other 'side' that can lead to family breakdown and intolerance. The 2024 US presidential election has been yet another example. However there are ways in which we can reverse this trend in our own lives and so influence others towards a more charitable attitude, too.

Identify contempt in our own behaviour and decide to stop

We can learn lessons about political hostility from research about the domestic kind. Arthur C Brooks interviewed marriage researcher John Gottman for his book 'Love your enemies: how decent people can save America from the culture of contempt'.

Gottman's research revealed the biggest killer for a marriage to be contempt, which he described as "sulphuric acid for love". So much so, that he was able to predict with 94% accuracy, which couples would be divorced within three years by assessing how much contempt they showed for each other. "Sarcasm, sneering, hostile humour, and eye-rolling. These little acts effectively say 'you are worthless'," writes Brooks.

This kind of contempt is openly shown by both political 'sides.' I regularly see words like "vermin" or "idiot" or "evil" used for the "other" on social media, especially during elections and the Brexit referendum. Political leaders are just as bad: contempt has been shown by both 'sides' at the highest levels in the presidential race.

The culture of contempt has become so bad that Brooks considers it to be a kind of addiction that is fed by an "outrage industrial complex" of media companies and other people invested in keeping us contemptuous.

When asked what he would prescribe for our warring society, Gottman made similar suggestions to those he gives to unhappy couples: try to understand the other's point of view and listen, offer positive feedback, and never make excuses for your own contempt, because it is never justifiable.

As Christians, perhaps we need to take the words of Jesus much more seriously: "You have heard that our ancestors were told, 'You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.' But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell" (Matthew 5:21-22, NLT).

Recognise bias and practise humility

When entrenched in our own position, we often fail to perceive our own biases. Psychologists find that we see weaknesses in the other side's arguments much clearer than our own. In the US, 72% of Republicans regard Democrats as more immoral, and 63% of Democrats say the same about Republicans, according to a 2022 Pew Research survey, and the proportions have been getting steadily worse over time, along with many other measures of division and hostility.

Even if the political issue you disagree on is a matter of life and death – and when it comes to war and foreign policy, or legislation on abortion and euthanasia, then the subjects really are that important – there is still no justification for showing contempt.

In any case, research shows that insulting others will actually cause them to cling to their own position rather than be persuaded to your own, known as the "boomerang effect," Brooks says. "We need to defend people with whom we disagree when they're insulted by people with whom we do agree," he writes. "No matter what, we need to police our own behaviour so that we don't fall into the trap of insulting the other side."

Examine your labels

Pastor Patrick Miller, a co-host of the Truth over Tribe podcast, told Premier Unbelievable that their goal is to encourage Christians to identify less with a label such as 'Republican' or 'Democrat'. "We advocate for relativising your partisan allegiances," he said. "Our hope would be that it gets relegated to a much lower importance, and why that really matters is because if it's lower you're going to be willing to build relationships with people who are in the other tribe."

Seek out encounters with people who disagree with you

Much has been written about the "echo chambers" of social media that mean we rarely encounter the beliefs of the other "side" of a debate. When we do come across opponents, it is often the rudest, most ignorant and least charitable members.

Where we live also affects who we will befriend and the opinions we will hear. The difference I observe in political discourse, attitudes and opinions between London and more rural areas is stark, and has become much more pronounced in my lifetime.

A 2016 Pew Research study found that 24% of the Democrat supporting public had no friends who are Republican – 14% of Republicans also had no friends who are Democrat. And this is associated with much harsher perceptions of the other 'side' – those without cross-party friendships rate the other side as more close-minded, unintelligent, immoral and dishonest than other Americans.

We can try to change this by deliberately building friendships with people who think differently to us.

Focus on listening and showing respect

Living Room Conversations is an organisation that seeks to encourage positive discussions across political divides – especially in families. The first of their six points in their suggested 'agreement' is to be willing to listen. "Be curious and listen to understand," the group advises. "Conversation is as much about listening as it is about talking. You might enjoy exploring how others' experiences have shaped their values and perspectives."

If you can't make it – fake it

Even if political subjects are upsetting and discussing them makes us angry, and we feel little love for the other side, it doesn't mean that bad behaviour is then justified. "We don't have to feel unity and brotherhood," says Arthur C Brookes in 'Love your enemies'. "We simply need to act in a spirit of unity and brotherhood, and the feelings will follow. By the same token, if we allow ourselves to indulge in habits of contempt – frowning as we listen to talk radio or getting angry at the latest outrageous statement from a politician – our emotions will follow those actions as well."

Make a commitment to Jesus to become a peacemaker

Brooks says that we need leaders to become "bridgers," who deliberately bring people together and embrace diversity of thought. "These are leaders of all political stripes who see common human stories all around them and are determined to bring people together," he writes. "Connection is found when we view one another as individuals with stories and dignity, just like ourselves... for both the left and right, then, unity requires us to see one another as people first and foremost."

To return to the beauty of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told us: "God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God". The book of James says, "Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness" (James 3:18).

Heather Tomlinson is a freelance Christian writer. Find more of her work at https://heathertomlinson.substack.com/ or via X (twitter) @heathertomli